JEEZ‘, COULDN”T YOU AT LEAST HAVE READ THE TITLE? IT SAYS
“INTRIGUING ANSWERS TO ———”
DO YOU LOOK AT THE ANSWERS TO THE NEWSPAPER PUZZLES BEFORE YOU TRY TO DO THEM?
WELL THEN STOP READING THIS UNTIL YOU READ “THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN MY MIND.
Now go back and try again.
IT’S THE ONE PRECEDING THIS ONE DUMMY!
(undecipherable stage whisper)
Go down to the bottom of this post and you will see a itsy-bitsy arrow pointing to the left. In case you can’t read it says “THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN MY MIND.” Now go down there and do one of those little clicky-thingies on that. Then read it and there is a little clicky-thingie that points to the right. You know what? It will bring you right back here.
If you get lost while doing clickys please don’t call me. The guards won’t let me out of my padded cell to answer phone calls.
by Waldo Tomosky on Monday, August 1, 2011 at 4:13pm
Why are they picking on my beautiful Lisa on Ice Road Truckers?
*** Because she failed the standard corporate appriasal system. Is that so hard to accept?
How did Edgar Allen Poe end up in West Point?
*** His dad did not have enough money to send him to Ha’vad, dummy.
Why did Jorge Luis Borges marry Maria Kodama?
*** Jorge is probably asking himself the same question and so is Norman Thomas di Giovanni.
What happened to Frederich Nietzsche during the decade he lived with his sister?
*** His mind went by-by.
Is Atlas ready to shrug again or will the USA come to its senses?
Do John Graunt’s “Bills of Mortality” apply to me or just other people?
*** Just bad people. Oh crap!
Is Michael Palmer an excellent author or a method writer?
*** To be determined.
Did Louise DeFluer add or subtract from Binghamton University?
How could Endicott Johnson not see the need to upgrade to automation machinery?
*** My guess would be nepotism.
How come I only have eight toes and did it really keep from from being accepted into the Math Program?
*** I tell everyone a gator bit them off. But really it was a default in my genes (other defaults to follow).
Did Robbin Hood really commit suicide due to an imbalance of cadmium?
*** Hell no. He found out that Friar Tuck was a cross-dresser.
Why do my neighbors keep on sending the department of mental health to my house?
*** Because they have children.
How come my radio only recieves in black and white?
*** That is a half-truth. I get my cartoons in color.
How do I connect my USB port to my 60 watt reading lamp?
*** I don’t. I connect my USB port to my nebulizer.
Am I a man trapped in a nun’s body?
*** No. I am a nun trapped in a man’s body.
Should I take my medications every day or is my analyst playing with me?
*** She’s playing with you. You should have realized that when she started dating your niece.
Was John Galt a good boy before he met Ayn?
*** Who the hell is John Galt?
Does using Oxycodone turn one into an Oxymoron?
*** Only if he has a religious bent towareds nihilism.
My next door neighbor is a master horticulturist. You should see his cellar!
*** I’ll be back in 20 minutes. Have the brownie batter ready.
Did my mother in law really love me or did she fake it?
*** You are one hell of a sick puppy if you even thought about this question!
Does hexidecimal addition require a hexigon?
*** Only when you convert octal to binary.
Why do Object Oriented Programming Systems have the acronym OOPS?
*** Beats me.
Why are apprenticeship enrollees called PENIS BOYS?
*** Because they turned out to be little dicks.
Do you know what a BOOMER is?
*** Go Sweet-n-Lo yourself.
Why is there a full orchestra playing during ICE ROAD TRUCKERS?
*** The Eskimos have no indiginous musical instruments (anyone want to argue about this?)
Why did my sister in law decide not to be married to God after forty years in the nunnery?
*** So that she could watch “Gentle Ben” and “The Gong Show.”
Did the writer of the song “Paulie Wally Doodle All Day” know my brother’s name was Paul?
*** C’mon. You are on the same thought length as the question regarding my mother-in-law. Cease and desist!
and what the hell is this “Does eat oats and Mares eat oats and little Lambs eat ivy” all about?
*** Does do not eat oats. They eat grass just like the bucks. Little lambs eat Fraumilch.
Was there a relationship between Dick Nixon and the guy that sells gold on the TV set?
*** Again. What the devil are your thought processes? I think you need help.
Did Binghamton really need Urban Renewal?
*** No. They are currently burning it down building by building.
Are residents of Tucson really called Tuscalonians?
*** You gotta be kidding me!
Why does my TV that runs on natural gas (or coal in a pinch) smell funny?
*** Open the flue dummy.
Why do we have to wash out our empty beer bottles?
*** I don’t. Why do you?
If you have answers to these questions please call Congressman Hinchy.
*** Don’t expect agreement from him. Don’t even expect anything except “My fellow constituants.”
If you have no anwers to these questions please call Congressman Hinchy.
*** Don’t expect a logical answer from him. Ask him why he tried to board a plane with a pistol. DUH!
If you don’t give a damn about things that go bump in my mind please call Congressman Hinchy.
*** What can I add to the above? Not much.
If you do not understand the questions please call Congressman Shumer; he does not understand anything either.
*** But for your own sake do not get between him and a TV camera.
Good night and goodby Mrs. Calabash wherever you are. (My apologies to Jimmy Durante.)
*** Wasn’t Jimmy great? Where did all the comedians who do not talk about sex go to?
Waldo has left reality.
*** Thanks for stating the obvious!
FOR EXTRA CREDIT: If you said a “BOOMER” was an apprentice in the railroad yard who slammed a sledge hammer into the side of frozen rail cars carrying coal (simply to break the coal loose) you are correct. As an incentive please add four extra packages of “Sweet and Lo” to your morning coffee.
Oh, I guess I already said that didn’t I.
*** Boomers lived in Susquehanna PA.